The Problem with Pain

The past few years have been hard ones for me. They have been years of challenge, change, discouragement and growth. I believe that it started with my difficult internship, eight months during which I struggled with intense loneliness and disappointment with people who I felt failed me when I needed them the most. Throughout my internship a constant source of hope was the anticipation of returning to Columbia Bible College, a place that had in the past been for me the opposite of my time in Mexico. I had high expectations for my fourth year of bible school.

Before I continue, I just want to give a little disclaimer as I know some of my professors and future students may read this post. This experience, while not completely unique, is my own. I have so many good memories  from my time at CBC. My character and faith have changed and grown as a result of the teaching the I received there. A number of staff and faculty have made a great investment in my life. The process of spiritual maturity is biblical and necessary, but that doesn't mean that it isn't hard or downright dangerous at times.

At CBC, like most colleges and universities I think, we are taught to be critical thinkers. We learned to examine our beliefs and faith, and compare it against Scripture, history and experience. While I do think that this is an aspect of mature Christianity, I experienced an unexpected side effect. I lost my child-like faith. Before bible school, my faith was made up of a few unwavering beliefs. God is good. He has a purpose for my life. I am saved and when I die I will go to heaven. I couldn't always prove or argue these beliefs, but they sustained my faith even when my experiences seemed to contradict them. I felt passionate and confident that God had called me to share his love globally.

I came into my last year of bible school hurt and full of questions like "Where is God when things happen that shouldn't have?". I hoped that I would find answers and begin to experience healing within the safety of the CBC community. I didn't find either. I felt increasingly isolated and frustrated. I felt as though I was being forced to question and rethink my faith, and the answers I found didn't satisfy me. By the end of the school year, I couldn't wait to leave CBC. I was done with Christian community. My foundation had been shaken and I wasn't sure I could even call myself a Christian anymore. Can someone with so many questions and doubts, someone who isn't sure she even wants to follow Jesus, be a Christian?

Thankfully, I am married to someone who doesn't let me give up on the important things. A few months after graduation, we attended Emmanuel Mennonite Church for the first time and found one of the most welcoming congregations I have ever experienced. All of you who shook our hands and asked our names are the reason why we came back week after week. We joined a small group, which quickly became the highlight of every week. Our small group became the place where I felt I could really explore the ideas of community and faith again.

I recently watched the movie Shadowlands. It is the story of C.S. Lewis and his relationship with his wife, Joy. At the beginning of the movie, Lewis gives a lecture on suffering. He says, "Pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world". After he experiences love and an intimate loss, he changes his view on suffering. His friends try to comfort him with the knowledge that God knows why bad things have to happen. Lewis replies, "God knows, but does God care? - Of course.We see so little here. We're not the creator.We're the creatures, aren't we? We're the rats in the cosmic laboratory. I've no doubt the experiment is for our own good, but...it still makes God the vivisectionist, doesn't it? It won't do.It's this bloody awful mess, and that's all there is to it". Lewis' first explanation of suffering is good if you want to write a hypothetical paper on the purpose of pain. The second acknowledges that we cannot fully understand God, but conveys the hope that God is good without discrediting the very real experience of human suffering. This is the kind of faith that I would like to have: childlike faith planted firmly in a mature reality. I think that this requires us to acknowledge often that we cannot understand God or his ways.

I know that some of my former classmates also struggle with these or similar issues of faith and community. I'm not sure if they will ever read this, but I want them to know that they aren't alone. I hope that one day you can make peace with your experiences without good or satisfying answers. I pray that we can all find the  pieces of our childlike faith again.